Ghostbusters (2016) Was Awful & It Has Nothing To Do With Gender

Okay...okay...So I finally saw Ghostbusters (2016) last night...Or was it Ghostbusters: Answer The Call? I dunno. Either way, here are my thoughts: (Note: I personally think this is spoiler free..but there are people out there who think that if you mention something that is clearly in the trailer, you are spoiling the movie)

This sums up the humor of Melissa McCarthy

The writing...was...AWFUL. For the first 30 minutes or so, EVERY attempt at humor was either based on immature toilet humor or the same old Wiig/McCarthy "uncomfortable moments that aren't actually that uncomfortable" jokes that we've seen a BILLION times before and never thought was funny in the first place. 
After Patty was introduced, they finally had some fresh original humor..but even then it wasn't consistent. But the humor wasn't the only aspect of writing that was awful...the characters...just WOW... Can you try just a LITTLE BIT to differentiate them from each other please? In the original Ghostbusters, each character had a clear trope and motive...in THIS film, Wiig & McCarthy played the exact same character. 

They were Wiig & McCarthy playing scientists...That's it. No discerning qualities beyond their normal quirks. And honestly, could they look any more uncomfortable?

And to be honest, Holtzmann was pretty much the exact same character as them except "nerdy.." Is she really "nerdy" though? Or just awkward? First of all, this was the WORST character I've seen on film in a long, long time. Her acting was ATROCIOUS...she was trying WAY TOO HARD to be weird, that she came off as just annoying. Does Paul Feig not understand that for a character to come off as "eccentric" to the audience, the other actors have to find her to be "eccentric" as well? But no, no one in the entirety of the film comments on that. AT ALL. It's just completely bypassed, therefore making the character even worse. And, I have no clue who this actress was, (apparently she is on SNL, which I'm not surprised about) but her line delivery was HORRENDOUS! Absolutely the worst part of the film. I know of 100 actresses who would have done this part justice... 

Patty was the best and most fleshed out character in the film. She actually has a clear personality, great delivery and a refreshing air about her after being stuck with the other three clones.

Before I get to the other actors and the story, I just want to quickly talk about the editing. I was so disappointed to see that the editors were the same editors for a ton of Apatow films, because it was sooo bad in this film. There were at least 4 scenes I can think off the top of my head where a character's head switches position in editing from shot to shot. I've never seen so much of this from a big budget production, but it was SO noticeable. It's as if they just gave up and handed it in as the final cut: "It's the best I can do."

Okay, now let's talk villain (who I guess is supposed to be Janosz-esque?) If you're going to stray SO far from the original as to saying that the sudden appearance of ghosts in NYC is due to a person who is releasing them unto the world, then MAYBE you should give him a goddamned backstory!!! You can't just say a character was bullied and that's the reason why he's doing this. That doesn't work. It's a cop-out answer. You have to give them a clear motive AND you have to tell the audience HOW he was able to do this!!!! They just assume it's enough to say, "I'm evil and I'm going to destroy the world" - but even Bond villains reveal how they did what they did. Here, it's just a weak "explanation" and the audience is supposed to accept it. In terms of the actual story.. So first of all, all the stupid references were cringeworthy. There were probably 4 or 5 non-actor related references to the original that made me want to gag on my popcorn. Just..why? Secondly, the thing that made the original such a great movie were the characters and the way they interacted with the world around them. There was a certain dynamic between Spengler, Venkman, Stantz, and Zeddmore that is impossible to replicate. They didn't have to sit around testing out equipment for the final battle for 15 minutes. But in this flick, they did. 
They had to sit around and test out equipment that everyone watching knows at the time is going to come back later...except in this film, there's no payoff! They use the equipment, but in such a "who cares" way that they could have easily just cut out the ridiculous "training montage!" Also, in the original, Spengler may have thrown out crazy scientific lingo, but it was then explained to the audience, so we knew what he was talking about. Not in THIS movie. In THIS movie, ALL THREE scientists will throw out pseudo-scientific lingo and then move on. And they do this CONSTANTLY! So the audience is left wondering WTF they are talking about as they move on to the next scene, never to hear about it again. Again...this could EASILY be cut out since it's serving the film absolutely NO PURPOSE!!!

The plot itself is fine. The ghostbusting was fun - I really enjoyed the designs of the different ghosts

(although I was annoyed that they were just like "hey here's Slimer." Great. I also was extremely disappointed that instead of sarcastic banter during the fight scenes, we got really drummed up action sequences. But whatever. I was even MORE disappointed in the fake NYC. And what was up with the Woolworths?? Haven't they been out of business for like 20 years? If that was supposed to be a throwback to the original, you failed movie. Because you decided to add social media as well...and Woolworths and social media NEVER existed in the same timeline. No, it's actually because this was filmed in Australia where Woolworths still exists. But really good job at screwing up! Overall, after the first 30 minutes were over, I was entertained for the rest of the flick. I despised the forced, overdone humor. When McCarthy is possessed (not a spoiler, it's in the trailer), she really tries so hard to be funny...but she fails. This whole scene fails. No one is funny, because we all have seen these jokes MANY times before..usually in bad spoof films like all the Scary Movie sequels. But when you get down to it, it was great to see them busting ghosts. That's what I came for and that's what I got. There were a few moments where the girls were able to shine, but I am sure that they were improvised lines. I still stick by all the funny lines in the script were given to Patty...and Kevin!

And I hate to say this, because all the girls might jump on me, but Chris Hemsworth made me laugh almost EVERY time he was on screen!! But it's NOT a male/female thing. It was the writing. I normally am not really into the "I'm stupid" humor, but I thought they really hit it out of the park with his over-the-top idiocy. I liked that they turned the damsel in distress trope on its head making him a dumb blonde male. And they gave him some great moments. Why couldn't they use this clever writing when it came to Erin or Abby? There was seriously no saving Holtzmann... My eyes felt like they were going to fall out of my head with all the eye rolling I had to do for her piss poor acting and I'm-Strange-Look-At-Me!-Look-At-Me! "jokes".

So in conclusion.... I thought it was entertaining...and there were SOME fresh jokes...but the storyline was mediocre. They reused plot devices from pretty much ever movie ever made (including an almost identical scene from Big Hero 6)...but they did bust some ghosts, which was cool. Plus the 3D effects were great! Whenever there was electricity on screen, it looked like it was far below the actual screen, which just looked amazing and drew you into the scene. The 3D here really knew how to use its space and depth. Loved all of the ghosts at the end - - they REALLY got original with some of the ideas. But the characters were written so piss-poorly, without purpose and without personality that it was tough to sit through. Oh, and that metal show?? WTF was that?? That wasn't metal!!! It was, like, an attempt at pop punk. Don't you hate when big budget movies think they know what they are talking about when it comes to non-popular music?? I, for one, am sick and tired of films portraying punks as people with eye makeup and dark clothes... But that's an argument for another time. Uch...and all the jokes that make this film anything but timeless. Good going at dating your film.. Also, let's not forget that "Dreamworks sequence" that got cut (probably because of focus groups) but they still decided to put it in during the credits, because they thought it was funny (Note: It wasn't).

So scream at me if you must, but this was my opinion. It has nothing to do with male/female, it has nothing to do with misogyny or hatred. Anyone who knows me, knows that I feel none of those things (especially when it comes to film). This is about terrible writing, terrible directing and even some terrible acting. AND TERRIBLE EXTRAS by the way too!!! (could you at least PRETEND something crazy is going on?) The idea was great. The execution was awful. And the cameos....well, there were all right, I guess .

Jump Scares...Everywhere You Turn

The human mind works in extremely strange ways.  What may frighten one person, could be absolutely nothing to the next.  Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with one's past or present or the environment they survive in.  Many times, what can scare you is just arbitrary.

All I know...is that I fucking HATE jump scares!  I'm telling you right now.  They are the bane of my fucking existence...  It's been said before, but they are cheap, easy ways to get people to THINK they are enjoying a movie, game, or attraction, but in reality they are just going through the ever-so-sheeplike motions.   I could actually deal with that...if they didn't actually scare the shit out of me!!

Let me quickly back up here and start with movies (even though that's not what this article is all about).  You see, I LOVE a good horror movie.  There are so many great films that psychologically fuck your head up in a such a good way.  For instance, Takashi Miike's Audition is probably one of the best horror movies put on film to date.

What makes Audition so scary is the fact that it doesn't treat itself as a "horror film."  In fact, the first half seems more like a romantic comedy than anything else.  It moves along at a pace fit for slice of life until things start going awry.  The editing gets more erratic, the music slowly gains an air of intensity, the camera seems to move more frequently, the shots are a bit tighter, the characters gain more than the average two dimensions you normally get from a horror film...the most important thing is that it keeps its integrity and never degrades to cheap parlor tricks.  It's all about timing, and Miike did an absolutely phenomenal job without a single jump scare.

That was 1999...and it was Japanese cinema .....in 2015, in Hollywood, horror movies, are nothing but jump scare after jump scare.  The stories, plotlines, twists and turns are secondary to forcing the audience to pay attention with the act of silence, rising music, louder rising music, a sudden silence, turn around and then SCREAM AND JUMP OUT AT YOU!! RAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! All accompanied by either a sudden brass horn or violin screech.

FUCK!  Why?!?!  There are movies out there now that are jump scare after jump scare for the entire fucking movie!!!  Just absolute garbage!!  Don't you remember when films used to scare you with mood, atmosphere and music alone?   NOT ANYMORE FUCKERS!  Now you get to watch horrible things jump out at you and yell boo...


Now, the odd thing is, I don't get scared by jump scares in most films.  I don't feel threatened or on the edge of my seat.  I'm just laughing internally the second the music starts rising.   But when it comes to video games...this is NOT fun!  And the worst thing is, almost every game HAS them nowadays!!!  If you're in First Person mode, you're getting a plethora of jump scares without question.  Even if it's NOT a fucking horror game!!

First things first..Why does this affect me in games, but not with films?  I think because I studied film, even when I'm getting totally immersed in something, the slight sense of bad editing or camerawork takes me out immediately.  So the whole "here's a formula that everyone is expecting" gets me thinking about what these jackasses writers were doing in their rooms besides actually writing!!!!!  In a video game, there's no time to be taken out like that.  Whether it's a Mouse & Keyboard or Joystick, YOU are controlling the character...no, you ARE that character.  And when motherfuckers jump out of nowhere and start attacking you, my first response is HOLY FUCK!!  Followed by DESTROY THESE SONS OF BITCHES, after I've already taken a whole bunch of shots that wouldn't have happened had I had been able to control myself when shit like this happens.

The Regenerator in Resident Evil 4

But shit like this has been going on forever!  It just wasn't controlling the market.  I mean games like Univited had some creepy theming and images, but I could deal with that...it was when Wolfenstein 3D and then eventually Doom came out, that a new era of gaming had begun.  The good thing was that these First Person Shooters were few and far between.  There were PLENTY of amazing NES, SNES, Sega Genesis, etc etc games out there that weren't trying to give you cheap scares.  Yeah, Alien vs. Predator and Ultimate Doom were the two most popular games of 1993, BUT Gabriel Knight, Sam & Max Hit The Road, Bubsy, Day of the Tentacle, Aladdin, Mortal Kombat II and First Person games like Myst and 7th Guest all came out the same year and were incredibly popular.  Again...THAT was 1993.  Mimicking the movie industry, the gaming industry has now decided that jump scares are what make a game good.  So you get games such as Arkham Asylum, Thief, Bioshock, even fucking Mario 64 with these strange jump scare moments that literally ruin the fucking game for me!!!

Piano suddenly wants to kill you in Mario 64

It's bad enough that this first person perspective always leads to enemies coming out of nowhere, but why has it become common practice to have them sneak up on you, so that when you turn around, their giant teeth or whatever weapon is pressed up against your face, leading you to shitting your pants or leaving puddles on the floor??  Unless you're throwing in a point-and-click adventure or simulation game, you're pretty much fucked nowadays!

Killer Croc is an asshole

Seriously, is it really so wrong to ask that things NOT jump out at me please?  It's one thing if it's Resident Evil, Amnesia or Five Nights At Freddy's...you're EXPECTING it from them..  but I can't play a simple fucking BATMAN game without shaky hands and squinted eyes?  What is with trying to put fear in your consumers, you fucking cunt video game developers?!  Can I please just play a Batman game and have a good time?  Please??

Then you have games like Bioshock, which has this amazing overall creepiness to it.  It's this phenomenal sci-fi story with a great sense of atmosphere.  The music is perfectly placed, the sound effects keep you on the edge of your seat, heart pounding...  THIS, I technically don't have any problem with...  The sense of being alone in the world, opening the doors to an abandoned city as the plot slowly unfolds... This is great storytelling with phenomenal execution.....HOWEVER, the whole thing is ruined by the fact, that it is FILLED with little jump scares all over the place and a few major ones!


Yeah, you'll be walking around trying to collect items and when you turn to go back the way you came, suddenly slicers that weren't there a moment ago come flying out of hiding to attack you!  This is not a fucking horror game!  Why does this have to be a goddamned fucking thing?!?!  And don't get me started on that FUCKING DENTIST!!!!!!!!


But that's not all, even a game like Red Dead Redemption has to throw in a few fucked up scare moments.  They added cougars into the game, which one would see no problem with, until they finally encounter one.  You'll be moseying along on your horse, doing your thing, when without warning...and I mean WITHOUT warning, a mountain lion or cougar or whatever, which has

"presumably" been stalking you as you trekked through pounces at you out of nowhere with a high pitched feline scream that makes my controller fly out of my hands and crash into the fucking PS3.  Then of course before I can retrieve the controller, the cougar takes its second hit, which we all know is his last, because you are dead...I stopped playing the game that day...and I was actually fucking enjoying it.  I can't even imagine what the undead expansion pack is all about, nor do I care to.  But this is a FUCKING WESTERN!!!  It is NOT a fucking HORROR game!!!  So why the FUCKING JUMP SCARES??!?!?!?!?!?!?!  WHY?!?!?!?

It's the same with physical attractions.  In my very first Mouse Rants video, I go into detail about how tons of Animal Kingdom attractions were created with the intent on frightening their guests.  But the mother of all these is the infamous Dinosaur (originally Countdown to Extinction) where you have an amazingly quotable pre-show, a well themed queue, about 35 seconds of really cool dinosaur scenes and then 2 minutes of SHEER FUCKING TERROR

as a carnotaurus literally chases you as meteors are about to blink dinosaurs and yourself along with them out of existence!  Because THAT'S what I want in my Disney attraction.  An opportunity to shit my fucking pants!





And don't get me started on the fucking Yeti in Expedition Everest (when it was still working of course).


I honestly give up.  This is why I stick to playing classic PC and console games  and keep my sunglasses on while riding certain attractions.  I'm not fucking ashamed.  Why else would I blog at it?  Who gives a shit.  I have no problem riding the most insane rollercoasters out there, which I have.  Freefalls don't bother me.  Horror movies can range from boring to amazing, but never unwatchable due to fear.  Jump scares in games and attractions...THOSE are my kryptonite.  There's no reason for them to be in simulators, RPGs, adventure games, westerns, puzzle games, sci-fi, platformers, regular First Person Shooters, Shmups, or ANYTHING else that's not a fucking horror game!!!!!  How about thinking about the majority of your consumers, rather than just saying, "hmm, you know what would be funny?  If we scare the shit out of the people buying this Barbie game."  Don't be fucking stupid.

Stop With the Machete Order Already!!

Don't you hate it when people think they discovered something brand new, when it has been around for years??  Apparently this just happened with...THE FAN EDIT!!!!  Yes, that's right folks...the fan edit is brand new!  Never happened before.  In fact, editing is a brand new technology that has JUST been invented!!!!  Get my sarcasm?  Now go fuck yourselves...

If you're one of these victims, who have been going crazy over "Machete Order" aka some fanboy's way of watching films...(no, seriously...it's the name of this fuckhead's blog...stop giving him credit), I urge you to read this post for a full understanding of what you are doing to first time Star Wars fans when you push these ridiculous ideas.

Okay, first off... let me introduce to you...the Internet Fanedit Database.  This is where you'll find a grandiose list of fans who went through the painstaking effort of creating their own versions of the film of their choosing using the brilliant tool we call editing.  Just search Star Wars.  Go ahead!  You'll can find brilliant fanmixes, mashups, extended cuts, condensed cuts, cuts without JarJar, maybe even cuts ONLY with JarJar, hell, there's even an amazing cut where they trim down unnecessary dialogue from the prequels, and add in rock music instead of John Williams' score!  My point?  This is by FAR not the first idea of how to watch Star Wars.  But people have been talking about this as if it were REVOLUTIONARY!!!  Is it?!  Is it really?!  The answer is....no...

Why Release Order and Episode Order are Claimed to be Just Too "Confusing" 

Okay, now that I've pretty much explained why this is not some new, cool, innovative, funky fresh idea...let's get to the actual cut at hand.  Yes, I know, it's not a cut...but it might as well be.  Let's check this out.  So, first let's take a look at this genius' explanation of why Release Order (the order the films were released in, if the two word description didn't give it away) "doesn't work."  He CLAIMS that if you're watching it in order and you get to Episode VI, just to see that Vader's ghost is young Anakin, it will "confuse" the viewer.  Clearly, he's not giving anyone enough fucking credit.  Now...I am 100% AGAINST the fact that Sebastian Shaw's force ghost has been turned into Hayden Christiansen and I STRONGLY suggest you find a copy of the original theatrical releases anyway..which would make his point completely moot in and of it's own.  BUT if you HAVE to watch the shitty Lucas versions, don't you think that when you got up to Episode II and saw that Anakin was played by Hayden, it would come off as a huge reveal???  Wouldn't that be kinda cool, if all that you're stuck with is the "Special Editions"?  If your answer is no, then that's fine, but it certainly isn't "confusing!!!"  Once teenage Anakin is revealed, any questions anyone had about Episode VI would be completely washed away. 

Now why is Episode Order such a problem for the writer?  Because he claims it spoils the reveal of Vader being Luke's father...  Really?  Well LUKE is still surprised.  At this point, I think EVERY ONE OF US knows...and for those who don't, they should watch it in release order first anyway.  But either way, it's just another way of watching this series.  There are plenty of "oh shit" moments to follow!   I'll give examples a little later in this post... He ALSO claims that there is NO STORY in the prequels!!!  Really?  Then what was all that exposition that everyone was complaining about?  Was that not a story?  Look, I know you may not LIKE the story, but to say there is NO story makes you sound like a fucking retard.  Seriously.  Look, whether you like it or not, if you are watching in Episode Order, you get to see the rise and fall of the Emperor, the Empire and Darth Vader.  We watch Palpatine's plan unfold and witness the beginning of a war.  I think that's more of a story than saying, "The Empire is in control.  There is a war between the Empire and the Rebels.  Luke is about to find out he's a fucking Jedi and kick some ass" in Episode IV.

Debunking Machete Order

So here we go...let's get into this.  Machete Order was created in part to make Luke the main character of the series.  You see the writer/creator claims that Anakin/Vader should NOT be the main focus and therefore, we need to watch these films completely out of any sort of order to prove this correct.  Okay.  But Anakin/Vader IS the main focus...whether you like it or not.  You see, if the writer was claiming that he was making this fan edit because he wanted to see what it would be like if Luke was the main focus, then I wouldn't care...in fact, it doesn't really effect me that this order is out there at all!  What infuriates me is that the writer believes that HIS order is the ONLY way to watch the series.  And THIS is why I'm making this fucking post in the first place.

But I digress.  So this genius says you have to watch the films like this: IV, V, II, III, VI, so as if II and III are told in flashback.  Jeez...and he thinks that Release Order is confusing.  And oh, yeah...no Episode I because it is "irrelevant."  See, this is from a writer who only understands characters and general plot, but doesn't see a film for what it actually is.   Yes, Episode I is hated by most people, yes, Jar Jar is the worst character ever created, and yes there ARE a few distractions such as a 2,000,000 hour long podrace that could have easily been condensed!  But what you're getting, when you eliminate the bullshit, is both a coming-of-age tale of young Anakin and Obi-Wan as well as a political drama showing how easy it is to stir up a war.  It's not about Qui-Gon or Valorum or Jar Jar.  They are but means to a very important end.  For example, the death of Qui-Gon solidifies the brotherhood of Anakin and Obi Wan...but most importantly (and he DOES address this in his blog post), the prophecy of the boy who will bring balance to the Force is discussed only in Episode I and then referenced throughout Episodes II & III.  If you haven't seen Episode I, this comes off as a major plot hole. When a film references a prophecy, they damn well better explain to the audience what this prophecy is!   And without watching Episode I, you have ZERO emotional involvement in Shmi & Anakin's relationship and you have NO clue that they were slaves.  In fact, the entire time he is on Tattooine, the plot won't make ANY sense to someone who hasn't seen Episode I!!!!

Wait wait...here is my favorite reasoning... "Obi-Wan now always has a beard for the entire duration of the series, and Anakin Skywalker always wears black. Since these two characters are played by different actors (and are the only characters in the series with such a distinction), having them look visually consistent does a great deal toward reinforcing they are the same people."  Does it? So this is clearly the order you need to watch! I mean really? Seriously.... I don't think I ever found myself watching Episode I saying "Wait..wait...wait...Obi Wan?  That CAN'T be the same Obi Wan from Episode IV!!  This guy doesn't have a beard!" 

The majority of the points that the writer makes is 100% resolved by watching in Episode Order.  What he's worried about is the spoiler factor.  But...But...THE TWIST WILL BE RUINED!!  No it wouldn't..   It just wouldn't have been a twist.  It would have just been part of the story.  Watching it in order brings forth a whole new set of twists.  Anakin turning to the dark side for one.  Yes, in Episode II, we see some real signs, but in Empire, there was a big chance of Luke turning as well...so it would have been a very different moment at the end of Episode III AND the beginning of Episode IV when we see what has become of the galaxy.  In addition, since Anakin is the main character, we get his realization that Luke is his kid with some of the dialogue between the Emperor and Vader in both Episodes IV and V.  Even moreso, Anakin's murder of Obi Wan becomes more tragic and you can sense the tension. This is something you never get when watching Episode IV first.

Watching 2 movies, then 2 showed in flashback, then going back to the present time is even MORE confusing!   What other movie series jumps around like that??  it's one thing if you go 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3 because they are then viewed as two separate series.  But going 4, 5, 2, 3, 6?  This isn't Memento.  It's Star Wars.  This would make sense in a TV Series.  Hell, you could break all 6 movies into either 27 30 minute episode or 2 Seasons of 22 minute shows (about 17/18 episodes each season), and if you did that, and did it Lost-style, it could actually be really interesting...in fact...note to self..new editing project.....  

Epilogue, Denouement, Whatever You Wanna Call It

My biggest concern here is that Star Wars "noobs"  have been telling me "the only way to watch Star Wars is in Machete Order."  No.  The only way to watch Star Wars the first time is Release Order.  That's the order they were made, the order they were always seen, and they order they should be in it.  After your first viewing, GO NUTS!!  Watch it in ANY order you want.  Hell, just watch Empire 5 times in a row, then watch the Clone Wars cartoon series, then watch Jedi.  Whatever!  But people need to stop telling me that I'm watching Star Wars wrong, or that Episode I is unnecessary, or that THEY know the CORRECT way to watch this film..  Do ya?  How about you stop your fucking trendy shit and just watch the movies.  Stop telling people you do things the "cool" way, just because you read it on the internet.  You're not fucking special and you'll never fucking be special.   This is honestly in NO WAY against the creator of the Machete Order OR his blog.  My opinion is that I don't think any episode should be omitted.  But that's just me.  Everyone has their own opinions...or they did until trending topics on Facebook and Twitter became a thing.   In the meantime, jump on your editing program and get some new ideas yourself!  You'll be surprised at what you can come up with on your own!  You might even find a way to edit Star Wars so that Yoda is the one true villain!  Who knows?  Imagination is endless.